I cleverly sent the classic resignation letter from a coworker’s computer. Company wide. Read it here, with names changed to protect my employment status:
It is with a joyous spirit that I announce my immediate resignation from <redacted>. I’ve long harbored an entrepreneurial spirit that can stay silent no more. The dream of running my own restaurant begins tomorrow when I work my first shift as the assistant to the night manager for the Taco Bell on Western Blvd. You are all welcome to visit me as often as you’d like (try the Nachos Bell Grande!) but I will have limited time to converse, as Tony, the night manager, is reputed to be quite the task master. It will certainly be an adjustment, but I feel I have the skills and heart to overcome the many challenges.
I bid thee farewell, <redacted> friends. I leave you with the only words I could find to properly express my feelings. From one of the greatest American poets:
‘Cause nothin’ lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it’s hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain.
Til’ we meet again!
Nicholas Farnsworth <redacted>”
It got the exact response I had hoped for: total confusion. As other coworkers came by to wish him good luck, Nick grew increasingly more mystified. He said it was like being in a David Lynch movie. After accusing everyone, he finally confronts me and I can’t keep up the straight face. And here is his reply to all:
“It has come to my attention that a NICK IMPOSTOR has been claiming that I am leaving to work at Taco Ball as the assistant night manager.
This is simply not true.
I am holding out for the Second Shift Assistant to the Regional Manager at Arbys, as I have been addicted to roast beef since a blood transfusion in the 80s.
Also, this is a good time to address the growing Nick Impostor black market. I understand that I have a lot to offer as a person and a symbol, but I implore my public to only accept the Real Deal.
Also, “Real Deal” is a copywritten phrase and should not be used by anyone but me. In fact, reading that phrase has caused everyone to owe me $5. Each.
In short, Kristi please put me back on the payroll!”