I’ve Been Busy. Sorry.

This blog is alive and well. It only seems neglected because I’ve continued to neglect it over the last week or so. I did have a good reason. We sold the house! For those of you who don’t understand the real estate market, it means that we are awesome. The wife and I put in a lot of work fixing up the kitchen and bathrooms…and thankfully that work paid off handsomely, even in a down market. We got nearly full price after being on the market (officially) for two days. Now we can plow forward to the new house with reckless abandon.

I have some plane blogging for you. Since I was working on my flights out to Colorado, I kept some notes on the people around me.

Flight 1

  • United has two lanes for boarding, one for regular schmucks (like me) and another with a dirty red carpet for First Class. The regular lane is wide open, but the fancy schmancy carpeted one is closed off. I’m watching them board the flight before mine. Just before they close the door, this guy walks up and into the first class lane. There is nobody else around, no lines, no waiting…yet he chooses the closed off lane. The employee has to walk over to the first class lane to let him through, even though he could have cruised right on into the wide open lane directly next to it. Let me be clear – he went out of his way to use a closed off lane. Look, everyone on the plane will know how cool you are because they give you a big seat and offer you water before we even take off. This display must be for the people in the gate area, just to be sure we know how much better he is than us. Prick.
  • On my flight, I’m seated behind three teenagers. Two girls and a chubby guy. He’s pretending to be gay. I know this kid…I remember him from when I went to high school. He’s acting like one of the girls so they’ll be his friend. Depressing. Kid, we all know you’re not gay…it’s obvious in the way you look at these girls. Stop trying to be something you’re not. I think it’s insulting to those who are.

Flight 2 – The Misbehaviors

  • The kid across the aisle from me is wearing his sunglasses and sideways hat and chewing tobacco and spitting into a Dunkin Donuts cup. I hope turbulence spills it on his dumb ass.
  • Girl next to me is texting furiously before we take off. She looks like a Lohan…lots of freckles and sun damage. Odd pink lipstick. Very short skirt. 18? Maybe 20.
  • The guy on the other side of her looks like Greg Kinnear. A really stressed out Kinnear. He’s been listening to something on his phone (voicemail?) for five minutes now. And it’s depressing him.
  • The dude two rows up and across the aisle has already taken his shoes off. Lovely.
  • Now we’re taking off. Both Lohan and Kinnear are still on their phones. Good job safety crew.
  • Lohan keeps pulling her skirt down. If you’re uncomfortable being between two guys and wearing a short-ass skirt, maybe you shouldn’t have dressed like a whore.
  • Somewhere over the midwest – Kinnear is on his phone again. Majorly stressed. Perhaps his wife saw the massage parlor charges before he could change the login to the credit card website.
  • Now Lohan is on her phone too. I can’t believe this. She’s pulling her skirt down, again. She’ll never make it in showbusiness.

9 responses to “I’ve Been Busy. Sorry.

  1. breathlessmini

    Congrats on selling the house.

    Maybe Lohan was pulling her skirt down so you would notice her. Your comments remind me of one of David Sedaris’ flying stories in his latest book. He refused to change seats with the husband of the woman next to him. She then fell asleep & he accidentally dropped his cough drop on her lap. It’s much funnier in long form.

  2. Lucky you about the house. My friend’s has been up for a month here and they’ve cut the price by 20G but no takers. My sister’s in Banff has also been up for month and nothing.

  3. breathlessmini

    I want to read about NJ please :)

  4. Okay that’s it! Even with the freaky blog name, I’m just going to have to add you to my blogroll.
    I’m afraid I’m going to have to re-baptize you. Appendage in a rowboat? Weenie in a rowboat?

    You funny!

    To Breathlessmini – I concur although much funnier on the book on tape (CD, whatever…) Sedaris is incidentally ranked 25th on the “Stuff White People Like” which is a hilarious book, but I digress.

    Congrats on selling the house!

  5. I did not mean to put an emoticon. It just happened.

  6. Have no fear, NJ stories are on their way. With photos no less.

    Banff? I’ll buy it. Never been there, but always looks so nice in the calendars.

    Nat – Why are you Texans always trying to baptize me? And, funny timing, I was just leaving a comment on your blog. And don’t bother lying about the emoticon. The truth will set you free. Rite? LoL? ROFLMAO? I hate the internet sometimes.

  7. this entire post and comment trail has made me very, VERY horny.

  8. If Texans are always trying to baptize you, New Englanders have avoided you even tho you are on friend Razz’s blogroll. We are afraid of things in general. Yankees, specifically. NJ Turnpike, for sure. But, rowboats? rowboatakaphobia is the official jargon.

    I loved reading this so I’m going into treatment in order to try and return.

  9. Rowboatakaphobia? What an awful affliction. Best of luck with the treatment. Hope to see you back here.

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