The HOA is not your friend, was not your friend, will never be your friend.

The HOA in my development (o, suburbia) is excellent. Actually, they are excellent at collecting their dues on time and imposing late fees. Everything else they are responsible for is pretty much hypothetical. One of the amusing benefits of living here is the neighborhood listserv. It’s just a yahoo group where people can email their neighbors about suspicious minorities or kids with vandalism on their mind (o, to be young again).

The recent uproar on the listserv has been the appearance of some large snakes. Or possibly snake. Everyone has wet their pants and run the other direction so we don’t know how many snakes there are, what their agenda is, or when Samuel L Jackson is going to arrive and deal with them.

Apparently the Home Owners’ Regime decided this was an issue on which they should take action. The hired Mr. Walker, of whom I know nothing about. Below is the part of the actual email from the HOA:

Mr Walker called me within a few minutes and said that near the bridge between Copper Creek and Fairmont was one of the bigger water snakes he had seen in a while (about 4 ft). He said it wasn’t poisonous (not a cotton mouth water snake) and was probably the big snake everyone was talking about in the emails. He looked around and didn’t see any other snakes. He bagged the snake and will carry it off and let it go out in the country.

Some of you know the problem with this paragraph. It was written by the HOA, and the HOA does nothing but lie. Using a complicated algorithm, I’ve unlocked the truth buried within this message.

…near the bridge between Copper Creek and Fairmont was one of the bigger water snakes he had seen in a while (about 4 ft). = Holy shit did you see that thing! It must have been twenty feet long. And fast!

He said it wasn’t poisonous = It’s absolutely one poisonous son of a bitch. My ears and throat are swelling at the smell of his excrement. I’m getting dizzy.

and was probably the big snake everyone was talking about in the emails = For every one you see, there are twelve more in your crawlspace.

He looked around and didn’t see any other snakes. = He saw a disturbing amount of human remains and a thirty foot long skin shedding.

He bagged the snake and will carry it off and let it go out in the country. = Mr. Walker has been missing since Wednesday, and presumed dead. Don’t leave your homes unless it’s absolutely necessary.

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7 responses to “The HOA is not your friend, was not your friend, will never be your friend.

  1. I’m planning on selling my sister on eBay in the near future. She loves snakes, and once brought one back from a market in Morocco, wrapped around her belly. Since then, the very large snake has escaped from her yard and probably eaten a few children in the neighborhood. She is good at catching them though.
    I think you need her. I think the HOA needs her. I’ll make you a real good deal.

  2. Ewwwww, I’m glad you are moving. You should probably get Mr. Walker’s number just in case it follows you. Also, I’m sick & tired of all these mother fu*kin’ snakes in your mother fu*kin’ yard. Someone had to say it. It was well worth the wasted 96 minutes of my life to have heard that in context… if you can call it context.

  3. As an Australian who lives in a country with the very top 14 most poisonous snakes in the world (cobras, mambas and rattlesnakes are all pussies!) it makes me laugh when I hear people about freaking out about snakes.

    Snakes are protected here and I’ve had to tell Kiwis (they seem to want to kill anything that isn’t a bird) on numerous occasions to leave snakes alone and don’t try and kill them.

    Most of the snake bites here are caused by when either some unfortunate person steps on one by accident or some macho arsehole tries to pick one up or kill it.

    On a side note but still related to poisonous animals, the first recorded death from a blue ringed octopus here in Australia was caused by an idiot picking one up and throwing it onto his (soon to be ex) friend’s bare back.

  4. you have a listserv for your HOA. awesome.

    All we get with ours is the late fees.

  5. Nat – Thanks, but no thanks. Every time I try to buy or sell someone online I get in more trouble than it’s worth. Violation of international law, they say. Human trafficking, they call it. Whatever.

    Mini girl – Thanks for saying what we were all thinking. And for doing it with class.

    Razz – You can keep the snakes. I can’t stand them. Wholly untrustworthy. I have the delusional idea that I could reason with a bear, or negotiate with a coyote, but a snake just wouldn’t listen. Completely irrational being just out to kill me.

    Covati – I think you get a quarterly ice-cream social, but I could be wrong.

  6. Fine, but I can’t accept less than thirty goats.

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