The HOA in my development (o, suburbia) is excellent. Actually, they are excellent at collecting their dues on time and imposing late fees. Everything else they are responsible for is pretty much hypothetical. One of the amusing benefits of living here is the neighborhood listserv. It’s just a yahoo group where people can email their neighbors about suspicious minorities or kids with vandalism on their mind (o, to be young again).
The recent uproar on the listserv has been the appearance of some large snakes. Or possibly snake. Everyone has wet their pants and run the other direction so we don’t know how many snakes there are, what their agenda is, or when Samuel L Jackson is going to arrive and deal with them.
Apparently the Home Owners’ Regime decided this was an issue on which they should take action. The hired Mr. Walker, of whom I know nothing about. Below is the part of the actual email from the HOA:
Mr Walker called me within a few minutes and said that near the bridge between Copper Creek and Fairmont was one of the bigger water snakes he had seen in a while (about 4 ft). He said it wasn’t poisonous (not a cotton mouth water snake) and was probably the big snake everyone was talking about in the emails. He looked around and didn’t see any other snakes. He bagged the snake and will carry it off and let it go out in the country.
Some of you know the problem with this paragraph. It was written by the HOA, and the HOA does nothing but lie. Using a complicated algorithm, I’ve unlocked the truth buried within this message.
…near the bridge between Copper Creek and Fairmont was one of the bigger water snakes he had seen in a while (about 4 ft). = Holy shit did you see that thing! It must have been twenty feet long. And fast!
He said it wasn’t poisonous = It’s absolutely one poisonous son of a bitch. My ears and throat are swelling at the smell of his excrement. I’m getting dizzy.
and was probably the big snake everyone was talking about in the emails = For every one you see, there are twelve more in your crawlspace.
He looked around and didn’t see any other snakes. = He saw a disturbing amount of human remains and a thirty foot long skin shedding.
He bagged the snake and will carry it off and let it go out in the country. = Mr. Walker has been missing since Wednesday, and presumed dead. Don’t leave your homes unless it’s absolutely necessary.