Sneewittchen (and other things I don’t want my future kids hearing about)

Sneewittchen is german for Snow White. A recent Disney ad for Sleeping Beauty got me wondering, “which one was in the glass coffin?”

It was Snow White. And in doing that research, I found out just how messed up that story really is. First of all, Snow White is born of a queen who pricks her finger while sewing outdoors, sees the blood on the snow, and wishes for a daughter with skin the color of snow, lips the color of blood, and hair the color of ebony. Think about that. Dark red lips, jet black hair, zero color to the skin. Hideous.

Okay, the queen dies and the king takes a new wife. She’s a real bitch. In fact, when Snow White is 7, the queen orders a huntsman take the child into the woods and kill her. Very nice. But the huntsman can’t do it, so he brings back a boar’s heart as proof….which the queen cooks and eats. Think about that: not only orders the execution of her stepdaughter, but thinks she’s eating her damn heart.

Skip ahead. Snow White is alive and living with the seven dwarves, except, in the original version, they’re just robbers. The queen finds out that she’s still alive and tries to kill Snow White herself. Three times she disguises herself and tricks Snow White. First she ties her in laces that are too tight and she nearly suffocates. Saved by dwarves/robbers. Then the queen brushes her hair with a poison comb. Again, saved by dwarves/robbers. Finally, the queen feeds her a poison apple and the dwarves decide it’s becoming a burden to keep resuscitating this strange girl so they declare her dead.

What’s the natural step? Burial? Cremation? No, these short bastards just happen to have a pristine glass coffin, which they put Snow White’s corpse in and leave it in the woods. The queen is happy and gets back to the castle in time for lunch.

Fast forward a little more and a handsome prince is riding through the woods and finds a girl’s body in a glass coffin. Yep, it’s Snow White. What are the odds, right? This freaky prince is so captivated by this glass coffin cadaver that he instantly falls in love. Yep, we’re one sentence from a felony in most states. So Prince Crispin Glover persuades the dwarves to let him take the body of his corpse crush. The dwarves, being shrewd little bastards, realize that having a body laying around their woods might attract suspicion and/or bears. So the prince has his clumsy servants carry away the coffin. One of them didn’t tighten his Reebok Pumps, trips, and the jostling dislodges the poison apple from Snow White’s throat.

Are you kidding me? Nobody checked for an airway when she first went down? I’m beginning to think these dwarves were paid off by the queen to skip the autopsy. What they should have done, however, is roll her body in a rug, douse it in gasoline, and place it in a glass coffin in the woods. What did you think I was going to say?

Anyway, the end of the story has the queen going to the wedding of the new princess and discovering it’s the girl she’s been trying to kill for years and years. For some reason, whether it was punishment for her wicked deeds or simply a wedding ritual in these fucked up lands, the evil queen is brought a pair of iron shoes that have been heated in a fire…and she must dance in them until she is dead.

Now, if you’ve told the story correctly, your kids should be sound asleep…their little heads filled with terror and dread.

3 responses to “Sneewittchen (and other things I don’t want my future kids hearing about)

  1. ahh the cautionary tale, filled to the brim with jungian archetypes. all the old fairy tales are macabre. check out the bros. grimm:
    Little One Eye, Little 2 eyes, Little 3 eyes.

  2. I have to agree with Finefantastic. I was blown away by how brutal the Brothers Grimms stories were when I read a bunch of them years back in a so-called children’s book.

    Many of the stories are horrific. For example “The straw, the coal and the bean” story is about the items that escaped death by fire and ran away from a cook.

    Later when they were crossing a river the bean laughed so hard at the antics of the burning coal and straw as they fell into the river and drowned that she split her sides laughing.

    A tailor was passing and sewed her up but ever since then the bean has had a black stripe because the tailor used black thread for the stitching.

    Weird macabre stuff!

    Definitely not for children.

  3. Definitely found your version funnier.

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